Exactly 10 years ago, I married my wife. We were only 23 and 24 years old, and together for 3 years. Now, we have three lovely kids together. Love and kids is something beautiful, but we should not forget that loving means voluntary vulnerability. You put yourself in a risky position: what if it’s really not as initially envisioned? Can you handle the stressful moments with little kids and busy agendas? Not loving, not having kids is riskless. However, ‘good love’ is what makes you happy.
Becoming a couple
My theory is that to become a succesful couple, you need the relationship potential. It means that some people simply can never be a succesful couple. I have another post on that. Simply said, there should be a match and an initial attraction to make it work.
Becoming a succesful couple
So if the match is there and you decide to start, the real ‘race’ starts. Here’s what I think, based on my current relationship and parenting experience. A relationship then takes one of two directions. Either:
- Your relation matures and strengthens
- Your relation gets diluted and (slowly) weakens
Yes, number 1 is the desirable outcome. But number 2 happens frequently. Compare it to growing two plants. I believe that, IF you have the potential to be succesful, it’s under your control to be succesful. Both of you are controllinig the growth conditions.
The challenge of kids
Let’s name the elephant in the room: raising kids is difficult and challenging. Parents reading this know what I mean. We typically see the happy facebook pictures of kids, but not too many post pics of themselves after a sleepless night or of crying kids that turn you nuts. Kids are big interference in a relationship. They are the wind that can move these plants. However, if your roots are strong enough, they stay together. You know, greenhouse plants are just weak. The great thing is that they harden you and make you a better person, learning to share and care more.
You need patience, belief and persistence
It took me around 7 years to get to know my wife extremely well. So I mean that I can predict her future behavior. We married while not knowing each other and had kids fast, which was a risk. However, our relationship is stronger than ever, and we’re extremely happy with how it turned out. It’s evolving every day. So these plants are oaks and not bamboo: they’re in for the long run. So you need patience and right expectations, but in the end you have beautiful wood.
I know some people have bad luck and pain, sometimes beyond control. I really feel sorry for you. I only wanted to say with this post that you can really control the growth conditions of your relationship IF you have potential. It’s a daily investment. Don’t let it die.
I hope you enjoyed reading
Wim
Related post: The physics of a love relationship
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